What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 02:00
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Comes on , in middle age.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Put me off passion for life!!
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is soul school!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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It was going to be , some day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot live in the past .
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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She married twice! .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why do men choose to marry a plain Jane woman over a pretty woman?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I will be 64.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He knew the spot.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My life is so biszare .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My family never makes their pension either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He resisted the act ,that day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I write beautiful poetry .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
All the time i was locked up.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What did i know ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im still living with it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was very sick at this time too.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
And i lived it daily.
So whats the point in blame.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ive learnt so much.
I don,t even have a pension.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Would this be the day?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She found it foreign!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Was to survive, this bastard.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But it wasn’t much.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I think the readers, may guess!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She wouldn,t have been !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I have no regrets .